“Don’t take anything personally…”
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….” ~The second agreement of Don Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements”
Most everyone, including myself, want to be liked by everyone who crosses our life path, but as we age and mature, we realize that is not realistic for a multitude of reasons, some totally illogical.
I recently sought both written and verbal feedback at the end of my first semester of 6th 7th and 8th-grade drama elective classes from those participating students.
The “no’s,” “borings” and other negative opinions of myself and the classes stung. However, this is when it is most important to take a breath and consult the rational side of my brain.
I have no doubt whatsoever that I do my best to educate my students in a fair, entertaining, respectful, trustworthy, and honest way.
Am I always successful? Heavens no. Do I try my best to learn from those imperfections? Definitely. Do I call myself out and apologize when applicable? Yes. Does that mean that every graduating student from my class will have a positive feeling about me as they move onto their next semester elective class(es?) No.
(Below) is an article from psychcentral.com written by Brother Rann entitled, “When My Students Don’t Like Me” that rationally discusses this educator dilemma.
“When My Students Don’t Like Me”
I’ve had the career-affirming task of talking teachers off the ledge who found themselves unpopular with their students. Personally, I’ve had some unpopular moments. My students knew I didn’t care if I was popular or not – I told them so. I told them that my responsibility was to prepare them to be comfortable in their skin; to progress in a world that discounted them, discredited them and sought their demise. Some might argue that seems a bit much but coming from where my kids were coming from and looking the way they looked, it was important for them to be ready for the world awaiting them. What I had going for me was that my kids identified with me because of the skin I was in and because I came from where they came from. Also had going for me the fact that my students knew that I loved them, and they grew to love me back. When you have love for someone, you trust them and my kids would often trust me with all of their thoughts about everyone, including other teachers who were my colleagues. Students love to vent to a teacher they like about teachers they don’t like. There was one instance where a group of students vented to me about a teacher and later in the day the same teacher came to me looking for answers on how to get in the good graces of the students. I did my best in the moment to advise the teacher and for a few weeks it seemed like my advice worked. But things got from bad to worse. I am not sure what happened, but I am sure that teacher didn’t consistently do what I advised. Needless to say, that teacher didn’t last the school year.
What you must never confuse is the following axiom: good teachers make good students, but students make or break teachers… period. Students have the power to make or break a teacher more than any parent or administrator. I have seen teachers drop everything, yell at a classroom and leave the building to never come back. One time this happened, and the students and I had a good laugh about it as I explained to them how the education industry isn’t made for everyone and that sometimes, the industry sets people up to fail. The truth is everyone is not made to be a teacher. It is not a cushy job with a cushy salary and benefits. You’ll never get paid your true value as a classroom teacher. You’ll work overtime and never get paid for it. Another truth is that you may go into teaching with the best intentions, however, the people in charge (or the college or alternate route program you’ve attended) may not prepare you for day one. If you’re a teacher and your students don’t like you, it is not the most fun time. However, you can right the ship. Here are some things that you can do:
ACTION STEPS:
- Run with it. If students don’t like you, so the hell what? I mean that in a way that doesn’t absolve you from loving them. Continue to do what you do (with a few alterations) in love and consistency and as time goes on, if you really care, you will have opportunities to show it and the students will have opportunities to see it.
- Love your students anyway. How students feel about you should not and must not impact how you feel about them because regardless, you have a job to do – teach. And you cannot teach if you do not love. Love them unconditionally or leave the classroom… Agape.
- Don’t take no mess. Whether students like you or not, don’t take any crap from them. Hold your students to high standards, expect the world of them, and demand good behavior – but use your discretion. Be fair. Command your classroom and let the students know you don’t give a damn if they don’t like you – but that they will respect you.
- Don’t bribe them. Bribing kids never works because you’ve set an expectation; a precedent that you simply want to buy them off and not really invest in them. This will set you up for having to continue bribing and that will cost you money and credibility. It isn’t worth it. You can’t afford to expend any unnecessary educational capital.
- Win over the classroom leader(s). I am not talking about the kid who you think is the leader or who you’d like to believe is the leader, but who the students understand the leader to be. It could be one or more students, but if you get these kids on your side, all others will follow.
- Have a “come to Jesus meeting” with your class. Actually, talk to your students about any tension or anxiety in your relationship with them. Give the license to be open and honest (while respectful) about how they feel about you and the class. Listen… really listen and take the info and modify.
- Reflect and apologize… really, reflect and apologize. Your students may need to hear that from you. You may have said or done something that bothered or hurt a child. We often reflect on our practice but rarely on how we treated our students. If you said something that appeared hurtful or if there was something you said that wasn’t meant to be hurtful, apologize to the offended student(s). Reflection and apology can go a long way.
- Have an administrator do a classroom reset. Sometimes you may need someone to help facilitate a change in the classroom culture. This is okay. It may be what’s best. As the administrator sets the expectation for classroom culture, make sure that you don’t stay silent. The classroom reset should involve you co-facilitating a conversation so that students see you as an authority in addition to the administrator.
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I speculate that any educator that has a goal of nudging their students outside their comfort zone will often face the wrath of their students, short and/or long-term.
The educator must understand the multitude of factors, most beyond their control, that cause students to indicate their dislike of their teacher.
My passion for the important educational/life lessons that I endeavor to impart and the students themselves when I am thinking rationally, are more important to me than being “liked.”
Math is not my bailiwick, but causing a negative reaction is greater than encouraging apathy is an equation by which I live.